$u^^P@h $eR@p@|~|

kuumbar benci diri sendiri
mencaci,
memaki bagai tradisi
menyesakkan ruang-ruang nurani

batin jiwa tak kuasa berontak
kuhirup dalam-dalam dendam ini
biar kusimpan dihati luka yg membayangi

jerat asa semakin membelenggu
menghantarkanku ke tepian ragu
membeku,
terpaku

hidup tanpa jiwa,
matipun tanpa raga

menjerit tiada arti, hanya sesal yg tiba diakhir

Lembur nih???

Mlm semakin pekat. Disini, disudut ruangan gue msh berkecimpung didepan komputer kantor. Wkt sdh menunjukkan jam 22:16. Kerjaan msh menumpuk bagai tiada habisnya. Ditemani alunan musik cadas, mulai dr Children Of Bodom, Lamb Of God, A7X, & skrg From Autumn To Ashes. Tubuh sdh lelah menuntut utk istirahat. Apa daya, hrs dipaksa utk tetap fokus.
Yah, nasib....krj ma org laen! Cuma jd buruh gajian, demi sesuap nasi...
Tapi tetep hrs bersyukur. Seenggaknya gue bisa krj & dpt upah utk hidup sehari-hari. Drpd nganggur ga karuan, menengadahkan tangan pd ortu or org laen. Klo dipikir, kan msh banyak org yg tdk seberuntung gue. Yg msh bs ngisi weekend dg nongkrong di mall, belanja-belanji beli gim PS2 or PC. Sesekali berlibur ke kota lain & menghbskan wkt disana. Yah, semua ini kan hrs disyukuri.
Emang dah, rejeki itu kan sdh ada yg ngatur. Yg penting sabar aja & usaha, kali aja bsk lbh baik dr hr ini.
Tick...Tick....Tick....
Skrg wkt menunjukkan jam 22:40. It's time to go home!!!

oN Mourn

Tepatnya kemaren pas seminggu Bi Iis, adik bungsu dari bokap, telah kembali ke Rahmatullah. Wuih....rasanya msh blm bisa percaya sepenuhnya klo bibi gue ini sdh pergi. Kayaknya kota Bandung bakal sedikit berbeda pabila gue berkunjung, karna biasanya gue hampir selalu mampir ke rumahnya.
Bagi gue dia lebih dari sekedar bibi yg gue miliki. Dulu jamannya gue msh anak kosan dan ngejomblo (hehehe, maksudnya apa nih???), rumahnya bagai surga dikala uang kiriman gue blm dtg padahal tanggalan msh belasan. Gue bisa makan, bikin sirop, maen gim pc ampe begadang, dll, sepuasnya. Selain bibi gue yg ini, ada lg bibi gue yg laen, yg dlm hal ngerepotin, 50-50 deh persentasenya. Hebatnya lagi....bukan cuma gue yg biasa makan rumah mereka, tapi kadang temen gue jg disuruh makan...malahan dibekelin segala!!!
Makanya saat gue tau kbr klo penyakitnya dah ga bisa diobatin, rasanya bagai seribu tombak menghujam dada! Gimana enggak...denger penyakit yg divonis dokter aja dah cukup bikin hati bergidik, LEUKEMIA. Nah, ini definisi yg gue kopi dr Wikipedia Indonesia:

Leukemia atau kanker darah adalah sekelompok penyakit neoplastik yang beragam, ditandai oleh perbanyakan secara tak normal atau transformasi maligna dari sel-sel pemebntuk darah di sumsum tulang dan jaringan limfoid. Sel-sel normal di dalam sumsum tulang digantikan oleh sel tak normal atau abnormal. Sel abnormal ini keluar dari sumsum dan dapat ditemukan di dalam darah perifer atau darah tepi. Sel leukemia mempengaruhi hematopoiesis atau proses pemebentukan sel darah normal dan imunitas tubuh penderita.
Kata leukemia berarti "darah putih", karena pada penerita ditemukan banyak sel darah putih sebelum diberi terapi. Sel darah putih yang tampak banyak merupakan sel yang muda, misalnya promielosit. Jumlah yang semakin meninggi ini dapat mengganggu fungsi normal dari sel lainnya.

Cukup lama juga bibi gue bertahan, kurang lebih setahun ia berjuang dg penyakitnya. Udah tiap berapa bulan transfusi darah supaya sel darah merahnya menjadi lbh banyak lagi. Tapi itu semua tdk memberi sesuatu yg signifikan! Trus diterusin ma pengobatan alternatif, hasilnya sama aja. Dan.......setelah sekian lama mencari penawarnya......akhirnya, tgl 28 Nov 07 jam 20:25 di RS Borromeus, bibi gue menghembuskan napas terakhirnya....

There're so much support she gave me, but there's nothing i could give for a return...

BEBAS!!!!

Wah...ternyata sulit sekali yah utk memegang suatu komitmen!!!
Yup!!! Finally this is my first Indonesian post for my blog. Niatan awal siy mulia, ingin go international. Apa daya, mental ndeso lbh kuat mencengkeram...hingga pada akhirnya keteteran juga deh.
Hey!!! Don't get hard on yourself!!!!
Iya deh.....mulei sekarang, gue bebas aja dong mo nulis pake bahasa apaan! Kan, blog gue ini!!! Marah-marah aja kok malah nyusahin diri sendiri...
Mustinya amarah itu universal, tanpa harus dibatasi dg bahasa, atau apapun...

My Dream Ride

Lately I have this eager of having my own motor to ride. Maybe some of you will laugh for what I've dreamed. Yeah, it's like a dream come true after all these fight and struggle. Since I was in the junior till high school, I wanna have my motor to ride anywhere I go. But my mom not allowed me to. So here and now, when I got my license to ride from my mom, my adrenaline rise up and need to be explode.
But then I become numb when I've got to choose which one of those bikes should I ride. This is my first time I have to decide on buying something expensive beyond my pocket. I prefer to choose HONDA CBR rather than YAMAHA JUPITER MX or HONDA SUPRA X, but my license is way lower than that. Oh yeah, there are two candidates that still bugging my mind...I also like to ride SUZUKI SATRIA or BAJAJ PULSAR. For PULSAR, I even have taken the brochure and ready to pay the down payment. But still, I can't decide which one would be the best for me...
Aaaahhh......My need is confusing me! I want my dope to ease my mind! Can I get some, mate???

TROUBLE WITH YOUR WORDS

Hey, what's wrong with my Spitbox?

It says: This Site Has Been Suspended

So, I'm curious and visit the site. But then again it said that this site has been suspended. Then, where the hell is my comments from my friends??? Would they drop their words again???

Thanks to putri, now I use Cbox for my new Spitbox.

It has been several months since I visit and wrote my own blog. And it's a routine whose killing me. I don't have enough time to do anything no more. My life seem to stop at that moment.

Gosh........There's too many trouble appear lately at the same time. And I become so numb, don't know what to do.........And I hate it when this is happen!!!!

CAUSE AND EFFECT

I believe what we have done in the past effects what we are now. And that is why world goes around. Even though there’s a destiny that one must fulfill, we don’t know what our destiny are since it is God authority. So in order to fulfill it, we must do our best to create one.

Hell yeah!!! Nobody wants to live in miserable way! Regrets always come at the end, so be careful when we decided to do or not to do something.


Before you take another crack
And slap yourself on the back
Before you tell me what you heard
And sum it up in one word
Before you start talking shit
Before you throw another fit
THINK AGAIN


I know I have done something bad in the past, and now I have to live with it. I realize I can’t never go back and made things right. My mistakes will always be felt so bitter. And even though I’ve tried so hard to pay for what I’ve done, I still can’t ever change for what have happened. I’m not asking for forgiveness, I just want people that I have hurt their feelings can accept me as a new human beings. But it seems to be a good person with a bad record is not as easy as turning your hands back…

This plague I dedicated for those that I’ve hurt. I understand u will never forget the pain that I’ve been put on ur feelings. Perhaps the best way to forgive me is to eliminate ur memory bout me and pretend u never know me…ever!!!

WHAT GOES AROUND…COMES AROUND HARDER!!!

ANGER Will Be My Energy

Rise and shine in the night
My pride salutes me, until I fall
The wicked children praise my name,
then writes it in the morning sky

All litlle devils are dancing in ecstacy

Inspired by the taste of horror
Proud to be insane forever
Proud to be insane

Let out the killer in me

Raise your hands above your head
Close your eyes and you'll be dead
Broken dreams of insanity
Anger will be my victory

My friend asks me once; why am I full of anger to write this blog? Well I say it’s because all that left in me here is only anger. I don’t want this happens to me either, but my life’s so suffocate! Sometimes I just wanna kill myself, if it isn’t something would stop me from doing it. Perhaps u would call me a looser as well, but I don’t care no more. The life that pressures me is very strong!!!
As moment goes by, I realize that my anger probably the only gift that I have. Hey, I’m not talking bullshit here. This is the story of my life. For so long I’ve been living in this nightmare, but I’m still survives. It’s because I have the anger that made me strong to face up against them. Anger is the power of my energy. Somehow, believe it or not, it helps me from doing something very stupid that I would regret it one day. So I must say gratefully thanks to God who gave me this kind of gift!!!
Then my other friend said that I don’t act like a person whose depress on something. She said I’m just like ordinary people who always fun and cheerful. Well, I’m not gonna argue about that. I’ve tried so hard to makes them ignore of what I’m feeling about. Cause for me, my misery isn’t their business. I live my own life, and so is my misery!!!
Maybe all of u would disagree of what I’m writing here. But it’s a fact I must live with! I don’t need ur sympathy, I just want u to leave me alone. Let me face my own destiny alone! Hey, I can live by myself!!!!!
SO GO FUCK URSELF UP!!!

GET KNOWING OF YOUR ENEMIES

Recently I’ve read a post from neighbor’s blog which title “MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE ENEMY” (www.littleandini.blogspot.com). On her blog, she wrote bout how to define who your enemy is. The blog is very encouraging, and it's very interesting topic to read.
Yeah, I agree with this beautiful and charming woman had written. Sometimes it's very hard to define who the enemy is and who the real true friend is. Cause in life, some people wears a fictive behavior to achieve their goals. They are on a race to intimidate others. I never imagine what kind of place this life would be if they always exist. What were they thinking while they’re doing those such thing??? Were they never imagining if those were happening to them??? Fuck!!! I really hate it when it happens to me!!!
Well, who doesn’t??? When u’ve trusted someone, but suddenly he/she backstabbing u, and u feel have been cheated but it’s too late to know….does it hurt u so bad???
That’s why, in order to avoid of being happening to u, u must read between the lines!!! Andini suggested if u wants to defeat ur enemies, then u should know ur enemies well. What??? This sound absurd, isn’t it??? But if u thinks a little bit deeper, it has a rightful meaning. How come u can defeat them if u’r not knows what their weaknesses are? And to know it, u must know inside and outside of ur enemies. Think as if u’re him/her!!! Find out what will he/she does when face problems!!! By knowing the way he/she thinking, then u’ll know what to do when he/she messing around with u…
Well…there’s a song from a band that I think have something in common with this topic. Do u know RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE??? And this is the song…


Know Your Enemy
know you enemy


born with insight and a raised fist
a witness to the slit wrist
as we move into '92
still in a room without a view
ya got to know
ya got to know
that when I say go go go
amp up and amplify
defy
I’m a brother with a furious mind
action must be taken
we don’t need the key we'll break in
something must be done
about vengeance a badge and a gun
'cause I’ll rip the mic rip the stage
rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em

fist in ya face and I’ll drop the style clearly
know you enemy

word is born
fight the war fuck the norm
now I got no patience
so sick of complacence
with the D E F I A N C E
the mind of a revolutionary
so clear the lane
the finger to the land of the chains
what? The land of the free?
whoever told you that is your enemy

something must be done
about vengeance a badge and a gun
'cause I’ll rip the mic rip the stage
rip the system
i was born to rage against 'em

now action must be taken
we don’t need the key
we'll break in

I’ve got no patience now
so sick of complacence now
I’ve got no patience now
so sick of complacence now
sick of sick of sick of sick of sick of YOU
TIME HAS COME TO PAY

yes I know my enemies
they're the ones who taught me to fight me
compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission,
ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite
ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS

Suicidal Failure

Father forgive me for I know not what I do
I tried everything, but I'll leave it up to you
I don't want to live, I don't know why
I don't have no reasons, I just want to die

I'm a suicidal failure, I've got to get some help
I have suicidal tendencies, but I can't kill myself

I'm tired of this way of life, my patience has expired
I'm barely just 19 (???...no, i'm older than that!!!) , but my life I will retire
I went down to a rifle store, I bought myself a gun
I pointed it at my head, but I couldn't get the job done



I took all my mothers sleeping pills
I jumped off a freeway bridge
I drank three kinds of poison
And drove my car off a ridge
I beat myself with a bat
Put a noose around my head
I overdosed on heroin
But I'm still not dead

Death may not be the answer, it can't be all that great
But me I'm not into living, with life I can't relate
By some masochistic reasoning, I think that it will be fun
I want to start my second life now
So shoot me with your gun

I was listening Suicidal tendencies while I smoke my dope. Suddenly a thought of suicide appears on my head. Is it really could solve a problem?
Then many question filled my head...
Isn’t it would just add problems?
How about for people who love me could take my leaving?
Is it worth to do it?
Once I have a friend who died for an accident. By that time, I was angry with ALLAH. I thought He was not fair to take him immediately. My friend had a bright future, and he was nice to other people. But why he had to die?
Day by day I had to live in sadness. But time taught me to accept what has happened. Maybe ALLAH has a plan for him. And it proved that He love His follower. I can’t explain u how His plan works, since it is not a logic thought. Only if u believes in Him, u can understand it.
And for a suicide thing….well, ALLAH hates people who’s giving up for living. We must accept for what He has written upon us. And if u’re having troubles on living it, then u should pray and keep trying. Cause one thing for sure, He will hear ur prays and won’t leaves u behind. It is the prove that He loves u much.
I thank to Him for the life I’ve been living it. Even now I have a problem that seems doesn’t has any answers and I must dealing with, I still want to live my life. Somehow I knew that He will answer my prays, and lead me to the answer that I looking for. My parents in law once had said to me that I must be a positive to live on what’s He has been giving me. And that’s exactly what I will do. So fuck all of u who’s giving me troubles to deal with!!! Cause I will face it boldly!!!
After I write this blog, I throw my dope out, and pray. Cause inside my heart I still believe that ALLAH will hear it and answer it…

THE STAR THAT SHINES TOO BRIGHT FOR ME

I never want to feel this way
Having love for someone that never touch the ground,
Having love with no hope in return
Cause she’s the star that shines too bright for me

When I want her in my embrace, she’s already gone
When I want to lay my head upon her, she’s got no time
Her mind dedicated to her own life
Cause she’s the star that shines too bright for me

I miss her presence
Like the air to breath, like the sun that spine the world
Without her, life will loose its meaning
But somehow she is the star that shines too bright for me
So I couldn’t cope with her, even if I try so hard

So I think, finally it comes for me to end my last breath
And move on to a place where I belong
That is, rest in pain…

FIRST POST ON NEW BLOG

HAIL TO YOU...
From now on, my anger will be stored in here. This blog will be full of chaotic brutal bloody place to read, I hope. 
Feel free to visit my blog, or...perhaps you would like to share your anger too. Well then, this must be the place!!!
Enjoy it......and always remember, YOUR ANGER IS A GIFT!!!